U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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