I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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