You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
