I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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