I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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