Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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