By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
