tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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