I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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