They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
