Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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