I got chris browned last night
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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