new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
