u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I faked an abortion last night.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
