I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
