Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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