2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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