I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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