Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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