I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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