I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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