12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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