i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
