i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
