Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
