I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
