This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
