I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
