I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My liver just had a heart attack.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
