thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
