If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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