I want to stick my p in your. b.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach