I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.