Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
