What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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