it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
