He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
