I wish I could teleport
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
