i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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