i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
