If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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