It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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