I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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