Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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