We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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