Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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