I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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