we have pet lesbian snakes
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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