Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
