idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
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You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
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okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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