I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This house was built for laser tag.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
its liver damage thursday
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
