He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
