do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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