I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
