Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.