Already got asked if we're dating
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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