he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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