you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
