afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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