Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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