its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
