New invention idea: vibrating tampons
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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