My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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